


Green Moon

by fig_rye



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Bella learns how to hide her vices, Canon Relationships, Canon Universe, Depression, F/M, Hiding weed from the police chief, New Moon Jacob, No Trip to Volterra, No or little direct quotes from the books, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Triggers, self harm trigger warnings in text
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:33:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29498874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fig_rye/pseuds/fig_rye
Summary: After Bella “wakes up” she turns to different ways of coping. Takes place after she first hears Edward’s voice, and shows depictions of drug use, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. When Edward returns, how will she attempt to hide her self-destructive habits from him?
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1: Burning to Live

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This fic comes after I had scoured the internet for a twilight fic that discussed self-harm during this time that didn't’ leave me annoyed, either in the shortness or lack of care. For this matter, I will have consistent Trigger warnings to allow you to read the text with care, and skip over parts as needed. 
> 
> I hope this fic can shed a light on the seriousness of these thoughts and behaviors while still incorporating the wildness of the Twilight series. 
> 
> At the moment I haven’t decided if Bella is institutionalized for her issues, but we shall see.
> 
> Erik may seem like a horrible choice for Bella’s dealer, but I can’t help but admit I took the idea from the Spoof movie “Vampires Suck.” I thought that part was hilarious and had to pay homage. 
> 
> CONTENT WARNING: This first chapter contains depictions of self-harm, as well as buying and using drugs.

In order to put on the facade that I was doing better, I had to go to school, make dinner, do my homework. It took all my strength to pretend with this pain that never receded. The only time I could take a gasp of air was when I made poor decisions. Erik dealt, and I asked him about it one day in January. He stopped by my truck before school on Monday, stoked with Xanax and weed just for me.

“Hey, Erik. How much for three?” I asked as he stooped into the window of my truck.

“15, plus $25 for the eighth” I pulled out my cash as he deposited two small baggies into my hand, gave me a nod, and walked back to his friends. The white bars and mids went into a small pocket inside my backpack, and I headed to get the day over with my constant, but sober, haze. The non-sober hazes were much better. 

After pasta was served to Charlie and eaten in silence, I went upstairs, took out one of the pills, and used a razor to cut it in half. I read they were pretty strong and I should try a lower dose at first to be safe.

_ This is dangerous Bella. _

The voice of the angel that I had heard with Jessica in Port Angeles was back. His hand brushed over mine, pain and anger flashing in his eyes. I didn’t listen to it, and soon the wave of pain receded. Bliss. 

I saved the xans for the worst days, or the days when I was out of weed. I became a regular for both from Erik.

**-**

The leaves outside my window had all withered away, and you could hear kids shrieking in delight as they played in the cold snow that recently covered the ground. I had no delight. Charlie was off on a work training trip today and tomorrow and it took all of my energy to unlatch the windows in my room in order to smoke without leaving a lingering scent. Incense was a good investment for this purpose as well, and Charlie just thought I was doing yoga. Doing drugs in the same house as the chief of police was a risk, but I knew if he found out he wouldn’t arrest me. He'd probably just send me back to Renee. 

The sound of burning bud filled my ears as the smell overtook my entire being. I had all weekend to myself, and I didn’t plan on spending it sober. I let the warm numbness wash over me, a voice telling me to not do anything stupid was easily brushed away. I had no need to leave my rocking chair. 

My grumbling stomach at 6pm shook me from my haze. I filled another bowl before grabbing some fruit, I didn’t have the energy, or the need, to put up a facade of functionality today. I had gotten some rum off of Erik on Monday, just one of those 350ml bottles, and mixed some with diet coke. Still couldn’t do caffeine. Being faded was nicer than just being high, sometimes it even allowed me to want to smile, but I never did. 

  * **TW self-harm**



It was 1 am and I was out of weed. I didn’t dare sleep, and the pain roared in its absence. I had heard some people talk about how the ‘emos’ used razors to cut themselves. I had easy access to them as I worked at Newton’s, and I had bought a pack out of curiosity. Everyone already called me emo, might as well make it true. Maybe it’ll help with the pain. 

I tiptoed into the bathroom, my hoodie packed with the blades, alcohol wipes, and some gauze, and a few bandaids. It was cold enough now that long sleeves wouldn’t be suspicious, so I peeled back my left wrist and stared. I had a fear of blood, what was I doing?

_ Bella, don’t.  _

If  _ He  _ thought I shouldn’t do it, then that means I will. Maybe I’ll hear him again. I washed off my forearm.

_ Bella. Bella what are you DOING? _

I wiped off my blade, not responding to the god in my ear.

_ Bella, please, please don’t hurt yourself. Do you know what this will do to me? _

“You don’t care about me.” I sliced. Superficial. I grew queasy at the sight but continued. I stuck bandaids to the small cuts that were already starting to burn. A new burn. 

**TW Over**

I hobbled back to bed, making sure to hide my supplies, and readied myself for Monday. More weed, sweet sweet green. 

The next morning I stumbled out of bed and grabbed my coziest hoodie and went downstairs to make myself some breakfast.

“Bella, why don’t you go hang out with Jacob today after school?” Charlie asked me over his morning newspaper and cup of coffee, showing me a singular raised eyebrow. I didn’t answer him, instead, stirring around the last few o’s in my bowl. 

“Bella, you need to get out more. You know Jake; he’s a sweet kid. It’s supposed to be sunny today, maybe you should drive down and say hi. And it’s a friday, you can stay late if you’d like and sleep in tomorrow.” I knew if I said no I’d worry Charlie some more. 

“Sure Dad, sounds like a great idea. I’ll go after school.” And with that, I placed my bowl in the sink and grabbed everything I needed for school, including my drug money. I texted Erik and he said he could sice me a few days early. I wonder if Jake smokes, now that I think about it I really know nothing about Jake. He comes over occasionally and has reminded me of our mud pie play dates as children, but I really  _ haven’t  _ hung out with him in a while. He better not be a narc.

The school day was excruciatingly slow. I was unaware that any event outside of the norm would keep my mind from shutting off and going into the haze, but somehow today I was damned. I had to endure the bullshit my classmates talked about, their stupid gossip and wretched romantic flings. I didn’t care what was happening on “Skins” or who had fucked Tyler. I really didn’t need to know that information, especially since I never got to be intimate with  _ him.  _

By the time the last bell had rung, I was dashing to my truck and pushing it as fast as it would go down to La Push. 

Before I could even park Jacob had flung himself out of the red doorway and down the homemade ramp, skidding to a stop by my window with a wildly enthusiastic grin on his face. 

“Bellaa!” I squeezed out of my truck and embraced him instead of using my vocal chords.

“Tell me what has you on the Res?” 

“You, Jacob. I missed you! You’ve grown since I’ve sawn you.” I took a step back to survey him. He had to have grown a foot, and he was ripped. My first thought took me to hormone injections, but I didn’t think Jacob would do such a thing so I sweeped away the thought.

“It’s been a long time, what can I say? Maybe you wouldn’t be so surprised if you had shown up earlier you know.” Though his words sounded harsh, they were said with no ill intent and his eyes sparkled with excitement to see me. 

“Senior year has been kicking my ass. Are you free to hang out today?” I didn’t know his face could glow even more than it did, but he somehow managed to be as bright as the sun itself when he grinned and nodded like an eager puppy.

“What would you like to do? I’ve been working on my Rabbit but we can go to the beach or the river nearby, or watch a show! As long as it’s not “Skins” I’m down for anything.” 

“Today’s a nice day, maybe we could take a walk?” And with that we set off towards First Beach, me struggling to keep up with his long gait. We chatted about mundane things - how school was going, how our dads are, and all with no mentions of the Cullens or my changed appearance.

We watched the sun set over the water while sitting on a washed up log about the lengths of two Jacobs, and I almost felt whole. I didn’t need a smoke right now, I was present at the moment, and I was laughing. Belly laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe and had to clutch Jacob for support to keep myself from keeling over. By the time the sun had disappeared it had gotten chilly, and we walked back for a dinner of chili thanks to Billy. 


	2. Head Wound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella and Jake smoke together, and they test out their bikes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This chapter discusses drug use and covers the bike incident. I know I’m covering this part of New Moon quite quickly but that’s mostly because things are pretty much the same. Bella is still smoking almost every night and I don’t think you want or need to, know everything about her consumption as it would get pretty repetitive. I also had Bella not hurt her head enough to go to the hospital because the next chapter will cover an incident where she needs stitches. Do know though, if you ever hit your head hard enough that it bleeds, go to the ER!

By the time I had gotten in my truck to head home, the moon was fully visible above the tall trees of the temperate rainforest of the Olympic Peninsula. The clock read 10:30 pm and I pulled over on the side of the road after a few minutes to take out a clear one-hitter before she got home. I swapped hoodies and started the truck up again, chugging along at a snail's pace as the weed hit and I parked outside of the house. Luckily, Charlie was already in bed as I peeked my head through the door to see if the light that was left on was because he was in his chair, or out of courtesy. I just wasn’t high enough. Now that I had left La Push, everything came back in full force. I felt like I had just gotten my rib cage smashed in. 

_ Inhale, pause.  _

_ Exhale. _

_ Inhale, pause. _

_ Exhale. _

Three bowls later and I trudged toward the cabinet, grabbed a container of Oreos and filled my glass with water, and made my way upstairs. By the time it hit me I was glued to my bed, and I only snacked on two oreos before falling into the void. 

Until the screaming started, like it always did. The cold, wet, forest floor surrounded me and I screamed. For the loss of  _ him, _ for the loss of my functionality, for the loss of my entire being. Charlie didn’t wake me up anymore, so I screamed through my night terror until the landscape faded to black. The rest of my dreams were inconsequential and I didn’t remember them. Only the forest. 

-

Almost every day, for the next several weeks, I went over to Jacob’s. I pursued the edges of his mind for his thoughts on drugs. He said he didn’t do anything but he knew Embry and Quil had tried weed a few times before they stopped hanging out with him. So, not a narc, but not safe to disclose issues with. At least, I thought I could avoid it until one day over the motorcycles we were working on, he asked me.

“Why do you keep asking about drugs, Bella? Are you working for your dad or something?” Jacob was obviously teasing, but it didn’t matter. It still flustered me just enough that I was worried if he noticed my lie.

“No, I just heard all these stereotypes from Lauren at school and I had to dispel them. Not that I’m telling her anything, just you know… for myself… Wait I didn’t mean to be offensive!” Jacob knew I didn’t give a rats ass what Lauren thought, and he knew I knew the stereotypes of indigenous people were false, and if anything only came about due to colonizers introducing certain substances to them while ensuring their poverty through lack of resources. We’d had a few conversations with Billy about it over dinner. He also noticed how I couldn’t look at him while I said my speel. 

“Seriously Bella? Spit it out, what’s been going on?” He put down his tools and wipes his hand on a rag. I couldn’t get out of this one.

“I just wanted to know if you were a narc or not.” It was so silent I could hear my own heartbeat.

“Are you experimenting? Do you need a trip buddy or something?” I shook my head, I wasn’t planning on anything harder.

“No, I smoke some weed. That’s it.” I left out the part about the street xanaxes that I knew could be laced easily with something, and he seemed to believe me.

“Weed’s not a big deal, Bells. Hell maybe I will have to give that stuff a try if it means I get to see you high.” I blinked at him. Did he mean it? I always smoke alone and no one ever asks. I even have some papers with me now...

“Seriously?” 

“Yeah, seriously.” 

“Well, I have some on me. We don’t have to today but like, if you wanted to.” I trailed off and took my eyes off the floor so I could see his reaction.

“Of course Bells! Let's get high as a kite! Grab your stash!” We sauntered over to my truck and I pulled out my red plastic box from my black backpack that held my silver grinder, papers, a lighter, and a one hitter. We took it over to our tree by La Push and I rolled us each a joint with expertise I didn’t have last year. I showed him how to light it and we lapsed into silence besides the occasional cough.

“I don’t feel anything, am I supposed to feel anything yet?” Jake asked while sitting on my left, his right foot propped up on the tree limb.

“It might take a few, but some people don’t get high the first time they try it. Don’t get too disheartened.” I was already feeling it and it took a lot of effort to not laugh at his incredulous facial expression as he looked at his roach, then at me, and back to the roach before tossing it into the waves. 

We waited for a few minutes until Jacob spoke up. “I think i’m feeling it. I feel like my mouth has been stuffed with cotton from the dentist. But also… Floaty. Happy.” 

“Yep, that’s it. Wanna hang here or get snacks? We probably smell tho, is Billy home?” 

“Uh, Billy? Billy’s at Harry’s for fish fry; we should be good to go back to the house.” 

Lays chips, giant glasses of water for Jake, and about 30 minutes later, we were settled in the small couch watching some dumb comedy show that I think Jake said was called The Office. I wasn’t a big fan of TV so I had no idea what was going on, but Jake needed me to keep pausing the show so he could get a hold of the giggles that left him unable to breathe. 

“Thanks for the good time Bells. I had no idea you smoked, why didn’t you ask me earlier we gotta do this again you know. Wait do I owe you?” 

“No Jake, you owe me nothing. It’s nice to smoke someone out, it’s what  _ friends  _ do.” He was sitting a little too close for comfort and had his arm wrapped around my shoulder. My emphasis on ‘friends’ seemed to knock him back to his senses and she scooted away.

“Are you safe to drive back?” He got up after me and went to the door, making sure I couldn’t leave.

“Yes Jake, totally sober. You should be soon as well. Thanks for the good day Jake!” And with that I pushed past him and jumped into my truck, which ensured I could not leave silently. 

The ride home was peaceful, with the remnants of my high carrying me through the dark road without feeling too much pain in my chest. The moon was full and its light brushed through the trees and illuminated the road before my headlights could. Charlie was still awake when I walked in the door, but he didn’t ask me about my day. He knew I was with Jacob, and he knew that Jacob helped. That was all he needed to know, and I was grateful for that. 

It was the end of January and the motorcycles were done. Charlie was out looking for the bears again, which gave us the whole day to be reckless, dangerous, and down right stupid. I was praying to the God I barely believed in to allow me to see  _ him  _ again. I didn’t hear him when I smoked much anymore, and I definitely didn’t hear him when I smoked with Jake. He pointed out the “Res Gang” that was cliff jumping, maybe that would be another activity where I could see both Jake and  _ Him.  _

Jake took the bikes out of the back of my truck with ease, which never stopped impressing me. We were on a long stretch of dirt road that curved to the left in the far distance and Jacob swore no one would see us, and in the off chance that they did, they wouldn’t dare say anything to anyone. The gears he kept telling me about were confusing, something about the clutch being a grenade? And to not use my foot to break but instead the other handle, but which handle was the clutch and which was the break? 

“Are you ready, Bells?” He was standing off to the side, each of his hands on my bike, balancing it for me when he kicked off the stand. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” And I let go of the clutch, and abruptly fell down. 

“Maybe not, let’s try that again.” And so we did. Again and again, until finally it worked. Both things worked. My bike was moving and I was on it still, and I saw  _ him.  _

_ Bella, stop it right now. _

I zoomed by him.

_ Bella, look out, stop it! _

I zoomed by him yet again, my eyes following him as my Greek God ran as fast as only he could, to be in front of me again.

_ BELLA!  _

“BELLS!” I looked in front of me, the road was turning. I wasn’t turning with it, and instead I managed to launch myself into the woods, tangling my legs up with the motorcycle which was swiftly taken off of me. Who took it off though? 

“Bella, are you ok? What hurts, you took a big tumble. I should have gotten you a helmet, you’re bleeding!” Jake. It was Jake who removed the bike from my legs, it was Jake’s hot hands sitting me up and looking at my forehead.

“Sorry.” 

“Why are you apologizing for bleeding, Bells? Let's get you back, I’ll drive.” He drove us to his home, dumped my bike, and got me into my house to clean up my gash.

“Maybe you should go to the hospital Bells, you don’t look too good. What if you have a concussion?” I shook my head, then deeply regretted it when a sharp pain pulsed around my head like a game of ping pong. I didn’t let him see that though.

“I’m fine Jake, just get home. You can call me to make sure I don’t fall asleep. I’ll be ok.” I watched behind dizzy eyes as he gave me a look of concern, a kiss to my head, and walked out my door to start up his bike and go back to the res. I pulled myself off the couch and stumbled up to the bathroom to wash off the layers of mud from my face, totally forgetting a change of clothes which led to me wrapped in a towel running downstairs to the laundry room to wash away the evidence from my clothes. Charlie couldn’t know I rode a bike, and he couldn’t know a hallucination caused me to fall off of one, and he certainly couldn’t find out I didn’t even wear a helmet. 

An hour later, the phone rang.

“Hey, it’s Jake.”

“Hey. I’m up, totally ok.” 

“I don’t think bikes are a good idea for Mrs. Clutz.” 

“Maybe not, maybe with a helmet instead?”

“You’d find a way to break the helmet Bells.” 

“Can we discuss this later, Charlie has just pulled up.”

“Alright, stay safe Bells. Love you.”

“Bye.” Love you? Jacob didn’t mean that, surely. Just a slip of the tongue. What do they say about slips of the tongue though, that they reveal your true intentions? Freud better have been wrong. 

“Hi Bells, how was your day?” Charlie was putting up his jacket and gun belt.

“It was good, hanging out with Jake. Fell down and nicked my forehead though, but I should be alright.” Better to get it out in the open now so it didn’t look like I was hiding anything, right? I walked over to the fridge and took out some leftover burgers from a few days ago.

“You sure you’re alright? Lemme see.” Apparently, Charlie deemed my cut as not too severe, because he grunted and took out some plates and condiments to help me get our dinner ready. I made myself a salad on the side but gave him corn. Charlie could do corn, right? 

“Corn? Not approving of my diet?” 

“Corn doesn’t hurt, Dad. It’s really just a starch, it’s barely even healthy. And I put butter on it too.” With a huff I watched Charlie gulf down a bite of corn before I sat down as well. We ate in silence, but occasionally I could see him grimace as he finished his veggies. At least he was eating them, though I knew I probably couldn’t get him to have any carrots or anything healthier. 

  
  



	3. Stitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Time for their search for the meadow! This is the last chapter that is already finished and I hope to update biweekly at the latest. I hope you enjoy my little creation and I also want to let you know the chapters will get more indepth and cover less time as we arrive closer to Edward’s return, but for now I’m mostly covering major points from the book. I find the plotpoint of Edward’s trip to Volterra a bit annoying, especially since it causes Charlie so much harm, so it will not happen in this fic. 
> 
> CONTENT WARNING: The beginning of this chapter depicts self-harm. This chapter also depicts drug use

**TW - self-harm**

Knowing I wouldn’t be riding the bikes for a decent amount of time, I needed to hear _His_ voice again. It wasn’t a good idea to self-harm right after scratching my head, maybe tomorrow. Monday. I don’t know why it really mattered to me, but I figured I’d taken enough risk with my head. 

I bought another eighth from Erik, but I stayed away from the pills. I overheard some kids talking about pills going around that were laced, and I didn’t really trust Erik all that much. Maybe I could find some drug test strips online, but that would be at the risk of Charlie opening the box. I never ordered anything online. Today was horrific, and by the time I made it to my box of razors, I couldn’t even wait to make it to the bathroom where there would be a surface easy to clean the blood up from. 

_Please, don’t do this._

He was back as I made my first mark. It was light, the blood bubbling up from the cut like little drops of dyed water. 

_This is dangerous, Bella._

"That's exactly why I'm doing it." Except it was more than that. It grounded me in the most sadistic way. I was concerned I was becoming dependent on this, as well.

_You’re going to seriously hurt yourself._

That wasn’t the point, but who cares at this point? I kept attacking my arms and thighs until I noticed the same depth on my thighs didn’t have the same effect as it did to my wrist. 

_You need to go to the hospital, Bella. Now. Get some gauze, wrap it tightly, Bella._

I think he was right, I was bleeding too much. I fumbled for the blessed white square and wrapped it up in a bandage, before stashing my blades and running to my truck. I should make it before it gets too dangerous to drive; humans could lose a pint of blood without much issue, right? 

**Tw self-harm over, Bella is on her way to the hospital.**

He was sitting in my truck with me as I drove myself down the road with my engine complaining loudly.

_It’ll be alright. Just keep driving, keep your eyes on the road._

Who knew he could be more than simply angry at me. My hallucination was a calming presence that kept my mind off of the fact that needles were going to be sewing me up soon. He walked on my right side as I took myself into the ER, my right arm pressing down on my left, blood soaking through my jeans. A nurse swiftly held onto my shoulders and got me on a bed as there was hardly anyone there and everyone knew me already.

“What happened, dear?” Shit. What do I say? This is pretty obvious isn’t it, I don’t think I could come up with a believable lie but I had to try. Charlie couldn’t find out.

“I dropped a glass and it hit my arm and my leg. I think I need stitches.” She gave me a look that let me know she clearly could see the fib. I hoped she let it go, at least until I was stitched up.

“Ok dear, let me get a doctor to suture you up, and some forms for you to fill out.” I had just remembered I was 18. Charlie wouldn’t find out about this, I was ok. I looked for _Him,_ but he was gone. Disappeared into the dust from which he came, my guardian angel, I would never get to hold again. For now though, I was ok. The hole in my chest couldn’t take hold of me when I was bleeding out even if _he_ wasn’t here anymore. Although, he was never here and he never will be again. The realization couldn’t settle into my bones as the doctor had just come in and started to unwrap my gauze. I lost myself to the buzzing of the hospital, willing myself to not feel what was to come next.

“I’m all done. Here are some forms to sign, and we can let you out, but I do want you to know we have therapists in the building that you can talk to if you wish to, and I strongly encourage you to reach out.” I nodded, only half-listening to him as I scribbled my name and insurance information down.

“Do you have someone picking you up?” 

“Yeah, I’ll wait for them outside. Thank you.” I left, newly wrapped up and not waiting for a ride. I could take myself back, and I was lucky to have a sweatshirt in the car I could use to cover myself up from Charlie. 

I was lucky to sweep by Charlie without him asking many questions, he accepted the fact that I was at La Push even though I most certainly wasn’t. I spent until Friday sulking at home, claiming a large workload to keep Charlie asking why I was hiding. I didn’t want to risk Jacob seeing the lump on my arm from the gauze, so I waited to see him again until I could take it off. The bump on my right thigh wasn’t as bad as they just patched it with those big gauze pads with adhesive on the edges. 

On Friday I took my box of metal on wheels to Jake’s, where I rallied myself to ask him about the next adventure that would allow me to see Edward. His meadow. I hoped he’d be in for it, knowing him he’d do anything I asked without a second thought.

Like always, Jacob was outside before I could even park my truck.

“Hey Bells! Long time no see. You’ve finally decided to grace us with your presence!” I flinched, if only he knew why I was gone for so long. I took a deep breath and worked up my courage to fib as I wrapped him in a hug so hard that it hurt.

“I was wondering if you wanted to go on an adventure with me? I found a meadow awhile back while hiking and with the bears I don’t want to look for it alone. You in?”

“Of course! Let me grab my backpack and stuff it with some food, was it on a trail?” He spoke over his shoulder as he opened the door for us.

“No, it wasn’t.” 

“Didn’t take you for an off the trail type. Let’s get some grid paper then to map the area we’ll cover.” 

“Sure, Jake. I brought some water for us too.” We gathered our supplies and headed out to my car. 

I maneuvered the truck to the spot on the road we parked last time I went to the meadow, with _him._ I trudged into the forest at the spot I remembered and we spent the next 3 hours with a compass in my hand, and Jake blocking out parts of his grid. Sadly we had to head back because not only was it completely dark, but my energy was waning and our dad’s would eventually worry. 

“When do you want to try again? Tomorrow?” Jake apparently had a blast helping me with my search, so I nodded enthusiastically as we headed back to his house.

On Saturday we spent all day looking through the woods, stopping by some boulders to eat protein bars and chug down water. The sun was out for once and the light filtered nicely onto the forest floor, leaving us with a warm glow and happy demeanors. I stumbled quite a bit on the way back, but Jake said nothing about it. We reached my house by twilight, where I heated up the famous fish fry and let Charlie, Jacob, Billy, and Harry watch the game in peace. I sauntered upstairs and stuffed a towel under my door so I could smoke, and fall into nothingness. 

I tried my best to not think of _him,_ but today it was especially difficult. How long would it take me to find our meadow? Would I ever find it, and if I did with Jake there, how would I react? Maybe I’d bring weed, even though that might ruin the sacred space. The meadow felt sacred, just for me and… _Edward._ There, I said his name. That didn’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks though, and I went to sleep remembering the times we had spent there. Kissing, hugging, laughing, brushing my hands through his unruly bronze hair. I’d never get that back, who cares how I used the meadow now.

I spent the next week and a half almost constantly high to keep myself from thinking of _him_. I’d gotten a cart from Erik and the corresponding device to use it, and found myself taking a hit before school, in the bathroom before lunch, and every time besides when I'd have to come face to face with Charlie. Then on Wednesday at lunch Mike asked me if I wanted to go to the movies next Friday. Even without my mind reader, I knew he had ulterior motives. I flinched in pain at the reminder.

“Yeah, let’s make it a group trip!” Angela and Ben nodded in agreement and I had successfully avoided an awkward situation with Mike. Jessica and Lauren refused, but I didn’t really want them there anyway. I’d have to ask Jake to come too, I needed some support. Not that the rest of the group wasn’t great, but they just didn’t know much about me and they didn’t heal my chest as Jake did. Maybe Jake could stop me from having a horrible run-in with those motorcycle guys I flitted towards last time I was in Port Angeles with Jessica. 

The rest of the week was spent in a similar fashion, except on Thursday and Friday Jake and I went searching some more for the meadow. I didn’t want to be high for that. Even though I hadn’t seen myself become more clumsy while stoned, I didn’t want to risk it. It was getting to a point where I thought I’d never find it and eventually Jake would give up on helping me. 

Saturday after searching for a few more hours for the elusive meadow, we did homework at my place. It was Valentine's day and I was in a downright horrible mood, and Jacob seemed to notice.

“Hey, would you be my Valentine?” Jacob took a box of conversation hearts out of his backpack and passed them over to me. I couldn’t help but laugh at the child-like gesture, and I nodded before breaking open the box and passing him some. As we worked through our papers and chewed through our sugary hearts, I remembered to ask Jake to come to the movies with me.

“Hey Jake, me and some friends from school are going to Port Angeles next Friday. Would you like to come?” 

“Yeah, sounds like fun. I’ve never met your other friends, you never talk about them.” 

“I just sit with them at lunch, they don’t usually ask me to go places.” I shared anecdotes about my friends from school until Jake was done with his work, and I got up to drive him home. 

“Thanks for the ride, Bells. Like always.” He wrapped me in a hug and my entire body warmed up from his touch. 

“Anytime Jake, thanks for everything.” 

The repetition of driving to and from La Push was starting to get to me. I stopped thinking during my drives, and I hoped Jake was finished with his Rabbit soon so that we could switch it up. 


	4. Ruining What's Sacred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: It’s time for the movies! And the Meadow! This chapter and the next few run close to canon but I’ve really condensed the scenes because y’all know them already. I do still suggest reading them if you’re able because Bella makes some decisions that will affect the plot once the Cullens return. I've written the Edward POV chapter that leads us to the "reunion" and I'm really excited to share that with y'all soon!
> 
> CONTENT WARNING: This chapter depicts self-harm, drug usage, and suicidal ideation. TW on self-harm as always, but the ideation is spread throughout this chapter, and will appear in the next few chapters as well. Look to AN at the bottom for a summary if you’d like to skip this one.

After school Monday, I pulled into my driveway to see none other than the Rabbit itself with Jacob leaning against it, grinning like a fool. 

“Oh my goodness, Jake!” I gave him a high five and a hug as I admired the vehicle. 

“I wanted to stop by and let you see it for yourself. Would you be up for some more hiking today?” my train of thought was leading me to my box of blades but I knew it wasn’t a good idea. Here was a perfect distraction, so I took him up on it although we had no luck finding it.

“I’m starting to think you made this place up. You sure this was where it is?”

“Yes, I’m positive.” He gave me a look that said he knew there was more to this place, but he didn’t ask. Thank goodness for that. By the time I got back home I was too exhausted to even think about my box, and I showered off the residue of my adventures like I was shedding the weight of the world. I almost felt at peace, and I could never thank Jacob enough for the brightness he brought me. 

Friday came by faster than I expected it to, and I received a voicemail from Angela explaining she couldn’t come because she was helping Ben since he got that nasty stomach bug. It was just me, Mike, and Jake. Jake remembered Mike from La Push and grunted in distaste before opening the backseat for him. 

I’d like to say the movie was uneventful, but not only was I unable to put my arm on a rest due to both boys besides me holding an open hand to me, but Mike also left the movie halfway through to puke his guts out. Jake and I were sitting on the steps by the bathroom waiting for him to come out, Jake convinced he had a weak stomach.

“Hey Mike, you still look green. Are you alright?” 

“I think I got that stomach bug.” He clutched one hand to his stomach and the other to his mouth. Me and Jacob shared a look and we walked with Mike to the food counter so I could ask for some popcorn bags.

“No popcorn, just a bag.” I received a weird look from the girl behind the counter, but with a look at Mike she seemed to get the gist and handed me over three bags instead of one. “Thank you so much, have a nice night.” And with that we were off.

“You better not puke in my car.” Jake rushed us home and I offered to drive Mike’s car back to his place, the Rabbit following me. Mike made it home without any incident, and I wished him a quick recovery. 

When we finally made it back to my house for the night I gave Jake a hug, but he was burning up. Sweating too.

“You don't look too good either Jake, you’ve got a fever. Are you safe to get home?”

“Yeah, I’ll be alright. Just feeling a bit off, that’s all.” I looked him over again before letting him hop back in the Rabbit.

“Drive safe, call me when you get home.” I waved at his car from my door, and waited 20 minutes. Still no call from Jake, and he drove faster than me. He had to have been home by now, so I decided to ring his house.

“Hey, is Jake there Billy?”

“Yeah, he can’t talk right now.” Billy sounded like he didn’t want to talk to me.

“I was just worried about him, let him know I called and hope he feels better.”

“Will do, Bella.” And with that he hung up on me. Billy wasn’t a man of many words, but I at least expected a little more from him. Not worth dwelling over now though. 

I woke up in the middle of the night with an urgent need to puke up the popcorn from the theater. I flushed three times before my body gave me enough of a break that I could swish some mouthwash around, which just led to another round of vomiting, this time in the sink. I was lucky that by then it was mostly liquid, so washing up the remains wasn’t an issue. I had caught the bug going around.

Charlie found me with my face planted on the tub next to the toilet, and brought me some water and woke me up as gently as he could.

“What’s wrong, Bells?” I groaned and immediately heaved again.

“I’ve got the bug. Can’t make it to work today.”

“Alright, I’ll call Newtons for you. Will you be alright here today? Should I call off work?” 

“No Dad, I’ll be fine. Have a good day.” And I planted my face against the cool tub again. I’d kill to have cold arms around me right now, but that would never happen again. 

Around 8 am I finally made it back to bed, sipping on the water Charlie had gotten for me. I was still quite nauseous but was able to keep my stomach in place as I settled into bed and tried to regain lost sleep. 

By the time Charlie came in to check up on me, chicken noodle soup on a tray in his hands, I was feeling well enough to try to eat.

“Thanks, Dad.” I said as I gingerly took the tray out of his hands and sipped the broth.

“How are you feeling? Did you get any rest?” Charlie took a seat at the edge of my bed, looking at me with concerned eyes. 

“Yeah, I did. I’m feeling a bit better now.”

“Good, good. Mrs. Newton left a voicemail saying Mike is feeling better, it must be a 24 hour flu. You should be good to go by tomorrow, but maybe you can take another day off work. 

“Sounds good. Did you hear from Jacob? I think he caught it too.”

“No, I haven’t. I can call Billy for you and ask if you’d like.” 

“Thanks, I’d appreciate that.”

“Alright kid, I’ll leave you to your soup. Holler if you need anything.” he patted my leg gently and stood up, kissing my hair before leaving me alone once more. 

By the time I had finished the soup it had gotten cold, but I knew if I tried to sip faster I’d have a high risk of losing it to my trash can. I yelled to Charlie that I was finished and he took the tray away and replaced my water for me. I was impressed with his ability to care for me, even if it was just a little thing like soup. Renee would have forgotten about the soup, or not heard me call for her. 

I woke up late Sunday morning, the sun already above the trees. I was exhausted, but my stomach was settled, so I finally brushed my teeth and made my way downstairs to call Jacob. 

“It’s Bella again.”

“Hi Bella.” Jake had picked up, but he still didn’t sound alright.

“Jake, are you doing ok?”

“Stop calling until I call you again. I’ll let you know.” And with that, he hung up. I had never heard him so angry. What had I done? When did checking in on a friend illicit such malice?

**TW**

My thoughts spiraled out of my control, and soon I was sitting in my bathroom, crying as I broke more skin. I was careful not to go too deep, but  _ he _ was still with me. 

_ Why do you keep doing this to yourself?  _

“I… I don’t know.” that was the truth. Why was I cutting right now? “I just feel so alone. You left, now Jacob must hate me. I don’t even know what I did!” 

_ This won’t help you feel better, Bella. Not really. What if Jacob found out you mutilated yourself because of him?  _

“He won’t. I don’t think he’ll call again, who’d befriend someone who's lost all reason to live? I mean really live?” But my hallucination had already hit its mark, and I had dropped the blade.

As soon as the metal clattered on the tile, he was gone. I was left to clean up my mistake.

**TW Over**

The days past and I kept calling Jacob. He never answered me, and I was left to dig myself further into my hole of self pity. By Friday, I had no appetite. Does eating even matter if no one cares about you? My friends at school cared out of pity, Charlie  _ had  _ to care, and I had obviously royally pissed Jake off enough that he wouldn’t talk.

On Saturday, Charlie told me Harry was having some heart issues, and that Jake had mono. From what I knew about the onset of mono, the fever is not the first symptom. I was too sucked into my own morbid thoughts to care though, it was just another lie to keep me away. 

I couldn’t remember a night that I didn’t go to bed high, in a sorry attempt to avoid the dreams that still woke me screaming. I had stopped walking into school high, but my mind made its own haze that helped me get through the day. It had been two weeks since the movies, and I was about to rip my hair out. Is it worth it to even keep living anymore? 

  
  


I awoke on Saturday with determination to call Jake’s house one more time. I don’t know what I’d do if I got the same response, but I knew it couldn’t be good. Instead, I was told he was feeling better and was out with friends. For some reason, this reminded me of the meadow, and I packed my bag with a compass, some weed, and my blades to try and find it once more. If I found it today, who knew what I would do.

Charlie had gone out with Harry to fish, so I left the house empty as I hopped in my truck. The ride to the space we always parked felt eerie, as if something was wrong. Something more than me being alone, completely given up on the outcome of my life. It took me a bit longer to get into the woods than it would have with Jacob there, but I didn’t mind. 

Two hours later I saw the trees thinning ahead, and I got giddy with excitement. When I stepped into the clearing, however, there were no flowers from last summer. Early march was too soon here for spring to be noticeable on the ground, and instead the long grass was still matted down from the snow that came weeks prior. Edward wasn’t here, and I broke down into tears. 

I don’t know how long I stayed there, sobbing in the meadow, before I decided I had enough time to ruin the sacred space of this place. I took out my papers and rolled myself a joint, and by the time I had flicked the roach into the grass, I was in a comfortable haze. As my thoughts flickered to my box full of metal, I saw  _ him _ at the edge of the clearing. He walked faster than my usual hallucinations though, his hair in locs and his skin dark. It wasn’t him.

“Laurent.” He paused about 30 footsteps away, too close for comfort. Being in the site of any vampire outside of the Cullen Coven was too close for comfort.

“I’ve seen you’ve been naugty, Pet.” His eyes were red. I was absolutely screwed.

“I thought you were in Denali, with Tanya and Irina.” Maybe I’d get an explanation before I died. Maybe he’d make it quick, and it wasn’t like anyone but my parents would mourn me.

“I found their lifestyle hard to keep up with. Sometimes I cheat.” In between Laurent and me, off to my left, I saw  _ him.  _ Not that my hallucination could actually save me from my situation this time. “I came by as a favor to Victoria, to see if the Cullens were still playing with you.”

_ Lie. _

“They are, but I’m not being played with. Ed- Edward will not be happy that we ran into each other. He’s very protective.” I hoped I’d lied good enough.

“Their scents are months old, I somehow don’t think they are still around. Surely, he would understand that a human coming across the path of a  _ very _ thirsty vampire never bodes well.” Laurent was stalking towards me like a bad imitation of Nosferatu. 

_ Stay still _

Laurent was 10 steps away when 5 wolves as tall as me came barreling out of the woods, and Laurent abandoned his hunt for my blood to run away. I immediately collapsed, unable to cry from the shock. And maybe the weed. Who were those wolves? Were those who were the source of the bear attacks? Were they another mythical creature? I don’t know if I could risk telling Charlie, they did help me, didn’t they? 

It was dark by the time I had stumbled home, praying that Charlie would be alive when I arrived. His cruiser was in the driveway, his hand flicking through channels. Thank God. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This chapter is another one that runs mostly parallel to canon (movies, Jacob ignoring her, meadow), with the exception of Bella starting to think her life isn’t worth living. When she goes to the meadow alone, she has a chance to smoke a joint before Laurent comes. She leaves her roach or butt of her joint in the meadow.


End file.
